I start this blog on a night where I am (once again) gearing
myself up to go into work tomorrow, which has become more and more of a
struggle over the last few months as I ask myself the following questions;
Why
do I work in a corporate environment which does not resonate with my
spirit or integrity and has not done for months? Scratch that – never did.
Why do I need to spend over 50% of my waking
life with adults whom I would not ordinarily choose to spend my time with or
give the time to?
Why I am working in a
city which favours assimilated conformity over intrinsic individuality, ego-based
charm over awkward (but sincere) authenticity,
the workaholic over the free spirit, highly caffeinated coffee over lowly
caffeinated green tea, false smiles and passivity
over expression of true feelings?
Why do I choose to live in a country which
has less sunny days than I have hairs on the back on my hands? Actually that’s
a crap comparison as I do have hairs on the back of my hands and quite a few.
And why do I continuously feel like I am
watering down the very essence of who I am just to pay my bills and keep a roof
over my head?
My brother recently said
to me, working in the corporate world is no different to prostitution and I kind of get his point.... I am selling my skills, knowledge, experience, watered-down
persona and my employer is my pimp.
It’s fucked from the get go.
Fact is I do have a ‘get out clause’... I am now
qualified in a field which I am passionate about, counselling. 5 years of studying part time in the evening,
whilst working a full time job and in my final year taking on an evening placement. But right upon the cusp of qualifying, I fear
leaving the security of a job which chokes my creativity and adds 2 hours of
commuting time to my day to pursue something which is dear to my heart,
supporting people in an emotional capacity through self expression and helping
them to see the value within themselves.
Which is funny, when I don’t currently value or trust myself enough to
pursue something which could ultimately make me very happy, but I guess every
journey starts with the first step.... but what is that step?
Watching people who I am inspired by on you-tube
speaks to the rebellious and maverick side of my character, making me want to
hand in my resignation tomorrow and begin pursuing my path of happiness and
make a living from this. But my cautious
and secure loving side stops me risking putting myself in a position of financial
instability to attain this (as tempting as it might currently be). I sit here
counting the minutes down to midnight knowing I will soon have to find a way to
silence my active and analytical mind and calm myself enough to fall asleep to
awake in the morning and continue the cycle of doing something I have begun to loathe... not the best motivation.
10 years ago I would have walked out of a job
that made me feel this way, no question, but the responsibility of the third
decade of living on this earth dictates something quite different to me and my
mind is full of;
I cannot afford to just leave my job. What if I don’t find a job quick enough
to pay my rent next month? What if
I end up on job seekers allowance? What if I jump from the frying pan into the fire and into a fate which is far worse than an office with no windows? Yup, your thirties may be 'flirty' for some, but for me these years equal ‘big-girl pills’, ‘womaning
up’ and facing up to my daily responsibility whilst simultaneously cultivating my creativity and passion and herein currently lies the bitch.
